castiel's diary
by jenoncaluvkaiba
Summary: Usually I would not even humour the idea of a human but the abomination pleaded with, as Dean would have called it 'puppy eyes'. Dean suggested I go along with this peculiar idea, well those were not his exact words; he insisted I perform a 'chick thing
1. Chapter 1

Jenonca- I somehow got an idea to write a diary of castiel, so I decided to attempt it, the only problem is writing as cas would but I gave it a go. Please enjoy and constructive criticism is welcome as I would like to know if I have kept castiel in character.

I have decided to start with two entries to start this fanfiction off.

Disclaimer- I don't own supernatural

Entry 1

I do not understand, even as I place this pen to paper, how will this 'help'. Usually I would not even humour the idea of a human but the abomination pleaded with, as Dean would have called it 'puppy eyes'. Dean suggested I go along with this peculiar idea, well those were not his exact words; he insisted I perform a 'chick thing', writing in a diary. I do not understand what a 'chick thing' is but the abomination insisted that I need an 'outlet' whatever that is I'm not sure. Dean said it's expressing feelings. The abomination told me that's why I need a diary to which Dean replied "he doesn't need a diary, what he needs is to punch something or someone"

The person that dean is referring to is his brother. After many more minutes of squabbling, they both decided that diary is the best thing to help me (in Dean's words) get that stick out of my ass. I wasn't aware I had a stick up my ass. So that is why I am here writing in this strange book about myself. The abomination suggested that I write about what I feel or anything on my mind as long as it helps me feel unperturbed.

i have come to the conclusion that the Winchester brothers are both morons at this point in time, however I will humour them and write in this Diary which I am now referring to as the 'thing'. I am only doing this for Dean.

For now I have nothing of import so I shall stop writing and continue to help stop the apocalypse.

Entry 2

The Winchesters are strange. I'm not sure why they want to partake in this ridiculous tradition as they call it. I do not see anything traditional about putting itching powder in ones trousers or gluing ones hand to a beer bottle most especially when they assure me they have done them before. It is very insignificant and only Gabriel would approve of this unusual behaviour. Dean tells me that 'pranks' are a family thing, it's fun. To which the abomination replies payback is a bitch. I do not understand how payback is a bitch. I was not aware payback was a female dog.

Dean is laughing looking over my shoulder. He says my naive thinking is funny. The abomination says it's adorable and that I'm like a 5 year old child who questions its parents because it doesn't understand. I am not a child I'm over 1000 years old. Dean is still laughing; i do not understand what is so amusing. It is very frustrating when I am unable to understand these human customs. Perhaps i should consult Gabriel; he shall be able to answer my questions. Humans are very strange, Heaven wasn't confusing like this planet at least there it were simple. I do not understand why Gabriel likes earth better than heaven, perhaps he prefers complications. The abomination is the most complicated person I have met.

The abomination is insisting I do not call him this, his name is Sam. I do not care, he has demon blood in him and he betrayed his brother in favour of a demon, he does not deserve a name other than abomination or my respect, only Dean deserves my respect.

I have travelled else where as the abomination is creating feelings of anger within me that is not suitable for an angel, though i may be near human it is unbecoming of an angel to procure emotions.

Its seems i have crossed paths with another annoyance by the name of Gabriel whom is looking over my shoulder and has pointed out if is unbecoming of an angel to have emotions then why do i have a man crush on Dean Winchester.

I do not have a man crush on Dean, i am not certain what that is but i am sure i do not have it. Gabriel has raised an eyebrow at me asking why do i 'eye sex' Dean if i do not have a Man crush. He has informed me that a man crush is when a man admires another on more than friendship level it can be sexual or romantic or just plain admiration. He says he knows which stage I am in; apparently abandoning heaven for Dean is seen as a romantic gesture. Gabriel is under the Impression in want dean in a relationship way and not the brother or friendship way. I assure you Gabriel you are mistaken Dean is my friend therefore I regard him as such. Gabriel is shaking his head in disbelief and is leaving my presence, which is a relief as I do not enjoy his particular company.

Its seems I have a lot to learn about these human customs but I am not sure if I even want to learn them as they are very complicated, but then again perhaps I should at least try to learn them so I am able to have a conversation with Dean or the abomination without having to leave quite suddenly because they are mocking my ignorance. I shall attempt to understand them eventually but I shall require some assistance.

Jenonca- ok so there is the first two entries done. Hopefully I will have the next chapter up soon, I'm not sure how soon but I won't forget about it. Thank you for reading and please review.


	2. Chapter 2

Jenonca- here chapter 2, sorry about the wait, this entry took me a long time to write as I struggled for a while to get back into cas mode, I wanted the entry to be in character as I could possibly do but unfortunately castiel is a little hard to write even though he is my second fav character (dean is my first) this is why it has taken so long for me to do so. I also wanted to do a really long entry so I have been watching episodes again so I don't get parts wrong.

Please enjoy and review thank you. None of the entries will be in a timeline; I am putting them randomly until I make it to the six season of the show.

Thank you for your patience

Entry 2

Having opened this I am not aware why I have however for some very odd reason I feel compelled to write. Perhaps it is to do with the Winchesters being unsuccessful in their mission to find Lucifer my brother. Despite all he has done I still consider him to be so, I am aware my other brothers will feel betrayed by this but he is an angel, others will doubt this and claim when he fell he lost that right. I have learned that Lucifer isn't the only evil one. I love my brothers and sisters but allowing the apocalypse to come to pass is evil as it will result in the termination of the human race. Due to this revelation I began questioning my orders and choices, I want to remain loyal to my family but I cannot allow the human race to perish.

I have made a choice to defend the human race and by doing so I have disobeyed heaven. I have been exiled because my family see this as betrayal. I know I have made the right choice however there are doubts, do not misunderstand me I care for humans but Lucifer disobeyed and he too were exiled. Am I any different from Lucifer, because I am doing this to save humans? Dean has ensure me I made the right choice but still I worry, I am a solider of heaven I should be obeying all orders that come to me not disobeying them. I question would father understand? Would he forgive me for my defiance?

Dean is watching me write from across the room, perhaps he needs something or perhaps he has seen the frown on my face as I write. He has being watching me closely for the past weeks; Samuel told yesterday that dean is concerned for my wellbeing. I do not understand why he does not ask me how I am wouldn't that be easier than watching me. I enlightened this to Samuel whom insisted dean doesn't like to do so; he has a problem dealing with emotional moments. You may be wondering why I am calling Samuel by his name, I have decided to allow him redemption for I betrayed my family to I may require the same in future it would hypocritical of me to not allow the same for him. I have also come to conclusion that Samuel is sorry for his mistakes, I discovered this when observing him, I am fascinated by the closeness of the brothers, Dean and Samuel are trying their upmost to make amends, I admire them for this act as not many families would do so.

I want to discover all that I can about humans relationships and social interactions, no matter how complex I find them. I am sure dean and Samuel can impart the knowledge I require. I understand they will mock my innocence of their ways but I must be patient if I am to learn. I shall not consult Gabriel as I aware he will mock me too and make vulgar remarks about dean. I am not prejudice against homosexuals however I am not one nor is dean as far as I am aware.

Gabriel has a very disturbed sense of humour and he can create humour out of anything seemly innocent. This has made many occasions very uncomfortable, more than I care to admit. Dean has finally stopped watching me as Samuel has entered the room, holding a greasy bag.

Despite being cut off from heaven I am pleased I can function without food. I do not understand the appeal of greasy burgers; neither does Samuel even though he eats them. Dean on the other hand has very disturbing look when he sees them, he proclaims his love for double bacon cheeseburgers. I do not understand how one could love a product that is then consumed. Dean is making very disturbing noises as he eats his burger. There is no need to moan, it is only a product. Samuel doesn't look concerned perhaps he is used to his brother's strange habits.

I atmosphere in this room is very uncomfortable; I have heard similar moans when dean took me the den of iniquity. The memory of the occasion shall remain for an unfortunate time. Dean may felt at home there I however saw a form of hell. I do not understand the appeal of visiting a place full of women whom have no respect for the bodies or their wellbeing. To take money for an act that should only be for a lover I find very disturbing and wonder if any of these women feel ashamed of how they live. I do feel apologetic for the woman named chastity whom came to me. I somehow upset her which dean found amusing. I only told her about her father, I thought she would be relieved to learn her father loved her; he only left because he hated his job at the post office. She screamed when I revealed this to her I admit I was left confused I thought people wanted the truth.

Samuel is smiling prying over my shoulder. He should know it is rude to read what one is writing. I expressed this thought to which he has replied he was curious at why I am so involved in writing as I usually only spend a little while writing. He expressed humorously that he is proud I am making an effort to partake in a human activity. Those were not his exact words but the meaning behind them is the same. Dean has rolled his eyes, he has finally finished eating. I am comfortable once again I sincerely hope I never come across dean when he is entertaining women as I may need to leave for a few days. I believe if such an occasion should occur his moaning will become increasingly more disturbing to which I shall want to hide and never look at him again.

Samuel is once again being prying over my shoulder, he is now laughing at my expense. I do not find this amusing and neither should he. Dean is his brother Samuel shouldn't find his brother's mating rituals amusing. He should, like I, find it very disturbing. Perhaps he doesn't due to human customs or he is comfortable with the topic of mating. Either is a possibility but that doesn't allow his laughter at my expense. Samuel is becoming infuriating with his curiosity of my writing, so I shall put this pen down and write another time. I do not understand Samuel's need to see what I am writing. Again he has seen this and revealed that he very happy I am writing in this book, it is a good out let.

I shall say goodbye now before I see the need to injured Samuel for his curiosity, it is not a sin but in this case it should be.

Entry 3

I have come to the decision I shall write in this book more often, I have found it is relaxing and I can deal with my problems without to discuss them with the Winchesters. In a very peculiar way this book has become an invisible friend I can talk to, one that I can carry upon my person.

This moment is prime example, I am searching for god using his amulet, so far it has been unsuccessful more so than the Winchesters search for Lucifer. Thankfully I can write in hear without Samuel prying. I am in currently in England searching for god. It is father's day and many humans are celebrating across the country. I do feel apologetic for those who find this day depressing due to an absent father, whether it be a deceased one or one whom deserted at some point in their lives.

It saddens me that a young girl nearby is praying to heaven for her father to come home, the poor young girl doesn't know that he never will as he is enjoying life in Spain with his lover whom he left his wife for. I can see from the memories of this girl, her mother is trying her best to feed her daughter. Her husband took all of their money, she tries to work as many shifts she can in a nearby supermarket but she finds it taxing as she rarely sees her daughter whom stays with her aunt when mother is working. I do not understand why the father chose his lover over his own daughter. It saddens me how hopeful this young girl when her hopes are going to be shattered when she is older and learns the truth about her father.

Gabriel has appeared by my side, his expression amused. He has asked me what I am doing in jolly old England. Jolly I do not understand this term what is so jolly about a country. Gabriel is rolling his eyes he explains it is an expression to which he adds I wouldn't understand seeing as I am a robot. What is a robot? Gabriel rolled his eyes once more and insists I watch TV. I do not understand why I should; I have more important things to do then take part in an activity that has no use to me. Gabriel has pointed out it will help understand the many references Dean spouts out now and again. I do not agree as I believe it will just leave me more confused than usual. I do not like experiencing confusion as it infuriates me.

Gabriel my brother he may be is an annoying little imp, perhaps that why he chose to become Loki when he abandoned heaven. Gabriel is complaining he is not fairy, he says he doesn't want to be associated with Edward Cullen, whom is this Edward. Gabriel says he is a fictional vampire who is a drag queen. I am confused once more, how does a drag queen relate to fairies. I am positive they are completely different things. Gabriel is now mocking my ignorance of pop culture as he calls it. He also says I need to learn human activities or I won't survive in human society. He says confusion is not sexy and I need grow up and see more off the big scary wide world. Gabriel is now planning lessons for me to learn. I have told him to leave be and I will learn in own time when I am comfortable to do so.

Gabriel is now laughing at me; he says I don't want to him to teach me because I want my lover to do it instead. Whom is my lover may I ask. Gabriel is snickering claiming it to be dean. How very perverse of him, Dean and I are only friends nothing more. I am very fortunate Balthazar isn't here, he is worse than Gabriel which is a statement itself. Balthazar no doubt will ask if Dean and I have fornicated, he like Gabriel doesn't think our closeness in only friendly. Gabriel is reading over my shoulder, he has exclaimed he can't wait to see Balthazar again, he claims he could do with partying all month. I fear for the sanity off the human race if these two cross paths. Gabriel and Balthazar will turn the world into a huge den of iniquity and make an endless supply of alcohol and chocolate. I am sure it is not hard to grasp who of the mentioned angels wants the chocolate.

I have decided I can do without the presence of Gabriel so I shall return to America to find the Winchesters. I hope that I shall not cross paths with Gabriel for a while as he will continue to annoy me so.

Jenonca- so that is chapter 2 done finally. I admit I found it very amusing to write entry 3 as I love Gabriel. I am thinking of put Balthazar in an entry eventually as I think he is brilliant. I don't when that will be but hopefully soon. Thanks for reading and please review. I will try to update faster but I can't guarantee that will happen.


	3. Chapter 3

Jenonca- thanks for keeping with this fanfiction. My dad died on the 24th of June and I didn't feel like writing since that happened so I'm sorry this late but I needed time to deal with my mourning, which I'm still dealing with but I'm a little better now.

Please review and enjoy the chapter.

Entry 5

I have been given a mobile device called a cell phone. I understand this is necessary now, that I cannot find the Winchesters, as they are hidden from angels; unfortunately I am not exempt to this despite being cut off from heaven. I believed it best to mention the cell phone before I go in to detail of the past weeks. I have come to the conclusion that this moment in time would be best to explain what I have done prior to receiving the diary. I have mentioned the situation before but I have glossed over what precisely happened.

I have betrayed my brothers and sisters, the other angels in favour of the Winchesters. I have done so because the angels have allowed the apocalypse to happen; they ensured Samuel would not fail to kill Lilith, whom was the key to allowing Lucifer out of the cage. I could not stand for this, I was told I was to protect Dean Winchester so we could stop the apocalypse from happening, and Lucifer would still be in his cage. Everything Uriel told me was a lie; I do not know what to believe and what I am meant to do, besides protecting Dean.

I have killed brothers and sisters close to me, I may be naïve to human customs and feelings but I do understand love of a family and friendship. To have killed some those from my garrison, whom I got on with so well I feel guilty. To be honest I feel betrayed myself. I know it is unwise to have these thoughts; however I was lead to believe we were fighting for the greater good, to assist in the prevention of the apocalypse. My betrayal has led to me falling from grace and my powers limited. I am cut off from heaven, which saddens me as I am unable to visit the heaven of the autistic man who enjoys a peaceful day of kite flying. Many angels judged my choice of peace but I found this man's heaven to be peaceful and innocent, one which I could get lost in my thoughts. Everything was clearer when I were there, I was able to understand what I did not understand before. It was also a nice place to visit after watching the many complications of the human race as they went about their lives.

Everything was simpler in the autistic man's heaven; this is why it is my favourite to visit. Now I am cut I shall never get the opportunity to visit ever again.

Unfortunately I must cut this entry short as Dean needs my help, so I shall place my pen down and assist him as best as I can.

Entry 6

Opening this once again, I have found I not only want to write in here, but I feel a need to do so. This is very peculiar of me as I objected to the idea, now however I am pleased Samuel insisted I partake in this human activity. Perhaps I should stop explaining to each entry my reason for carrying on with this activity. I understand that I may start to repeat myself and I find this very useless when penning my thoughts.

Perhaps it will suffice if I pen what I have discovered about the Winchesters daily lives.

The Winchesters are a fascinating pair of brothers, at this moment in time they are arguing about dean's obsession with Dr Sexy. I am aware this is a TV program that Dean watches, but I do not understand the appeal. I find it very amusing when they are arguing about something so trivial; it shows they can have normal human moments like the rest of the population. Dean and Samuel do not know I am smiling at them as I write this. I am observing them while staying hidden from them; I know that if I were to reveal myself they wouldn't act as they always do.

I have also recently discovered a fascinating place called Disney land that looks very inviting; I am not quite sure what it is, other than talking animals for children to enjoy. I know I am not child however I would like to find out why Disneyland is enjoyable. Perhaps I can persuade Samuel to take me? The little that I have discovered of Dean, I do not believe that Dean would be agreeable to partake in this childish activity. This is only a presumption as I do not know him, as well as I should do when concerning human activities. The Winchesters have stopped arguing so I shall now make my presence known.

Entry 7

I am currently in a fast food restaurant trying to procure as many 'cheeseburgers' as I can. i have become affected by the horseman famine, which has resulted in jimmy's love for red meat to surface within me. I have become to understand why he has an unhealthy appetite for burgers, the smell of them is intoxicating and the taste is also very appealing. I have found cheese burgers make me so happy and i require a constant consumption of them. I now understand why dean makes noises when eating double bacon cheeseburgers.

The young women behind the counter, is looking at me with a very strange look, am I not meant to be here requiring food? Her look turns to shock as I place my order of 100 cheeseburgers. I need as many as I can consume and I need them now. I'm usually very patience man however at this very moment in time i have the unlikely symptoms of a drug addict. I unfortunately know the symptoms having seen Samuel deal with his addiction for demon blood not so long ago.

i shall inform you more about the cheeseburgers and the situation, at a later date as I am currently occupied.


	4. Chapter 4

Jenonca- sorry this is so short but I having trouble writing more for this chapter. Please read and enjoy.

I don't own supernatural or anything else

Entry 8

The Winchesters have decided, I need a guide on how to interact with humans. Dean came up this very peculiar idea; I do not understand how my interaction with humans can be perceived as inappropriate. Surely honesty is the best policy, when dealing with certain truths and situations. When I brought this to Dean's attention he replied that the woman in the whore house didn't need to know her father ran away, he also said that the cop we talked to didn't need to know we are killing demons, as most humans don't know they exist.

I'm sorry humanity would rather ignore dangers, which don't fit into their perception of reality. I believe, that you must be aware of what you are fighting, so you are able do your job correctly. Dean and Samuel insist that it doesn't work like this in the real world. Therefore I will humour them by reading through the guide, which I shall share with you

DEAN AND SAM'S GUIDE TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE

**Don't stand too close to people**. Dean- it's called person space Cas, it's annoying enough when you do it to me. Sam- yeah but you secretly like it. Dean- no i don't bitch Sam- you know you do jerk

**Don't tell people the truth about the supernatural unless needed **Dean- you should of seen the cop Sammy, he was so close getting Cas sent to the loony bin Sam- no funny dean, mental homes aren't something to laugh about Dean- whoa is the time of the month Samantha. Sam- I swear one of these days I'm going to kick your ass. Dean- as if you could kick my ass Lerch. Sam- dude did you just make an Addams family reference, lame. Dean- does that make you lame too seeing as you got the reference?

**Stop staring so intensely at people **Sam- yeah cas that's only for Dean, he loves it when you eye sex him. Dean- eye sex, what the hell, Cas and I DO NOT eye sex. What the hell are you some horny fan girl who likes to make out there's slash when their clearly isn't. Sam- I didn't know you knew it was called slash, have you been reading some Destiel stories. Dean- first of, go fuck yourself, second you explained slash to me remember and thirdly, what the hell is Destiel. Sam- whoa vulgar language isn't needed dude, Destiel is your name and cas's together moron. Dean- I'm off to throw up.

**Understand sarcasm**- Sam- this one for is Dean since he is the most sarcastic bitch I know. Dean-that's not true, I'm not that sarcastic. Sam- yeah you are.

**Don't watch people sleep**- Dean- its creepy dude and one step from a stalker. Sam- since when has he watched people. Dean- doesn't matter. Sam- oh he watch you sleep, aw you very own stalker, that's cute. Dean-shut it Sammy before I kick your ass. Sam- bring it.

I'm afraid there isn't any more to this list, the Winchesters fought for some time after that last point. I do not understand why I can't watch Dean sleep, he has many interesting dreams, I wish I could dream as he does, but I do not need to sleep, which is a shame as I would find my own so very interesting, more so than Dean's.

I wonder how long dean and Sam will be fighting for. I find myself in the need of entertainment; perhaps I shall watch their television. I know this usually keeps the brothers occupied.

Jenonca- I have no idea when the next chapter will be up, I hope so soon but at the moment I'm not in the mood to write. So it going to be a while sorry.


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